Love’s not Blind, People are (Part 1)

I absolutely LOVE being a mother! Everyday is a learning experience and everyday I try to be better, well, maybe not every SINGLE day but often enough. Motherhood began for me at the age 16 and although I would really love to dive into that aspect of it, I feel there is something so much more rewarding to talk about.  Have you ever had a night where you are completely exhausted from the day but then you finally lay down and your mind is WIDE AWAKE and RUNNING? Well tonight happens to be one of those nights for me and as I was laying here, I was reflecting on my parenting and it took me back to the day I truly became a PARENT. It may sound weird but raising a child and being a parent are NOT the same in my eyes and here’s why: My daughter was about 5 years old at the time and here I was in a long-term relationship with a man I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I enjoyed being a mother, but living in Maryland away from my support system was nerve wrecking. For the first time I was truly on my own, and I was unsure if I was fit to give my daughter everything she would need. I ensured that her BASIC needs were always met and I thought having someone there with me would make things easier for me, little did I know it wouldn’t. We had been together for almost 3 years when we moved to Maryland because of my job. I distinctly remember meeting him in 2006, a couple weeks after returning from a mini vacation with my girls in Myrtle Beach, SC. For sake of my blog and protection of others privacy, I won’t mention any real names so I’m going to call him…Wrong. Well Wrong just seemed so right to me. He was tall, light skin, with a close cut and goatee. He had that bad boy look about him and he caught my attention fairly quickly. We hit it off immediately. Our connection was amazing so we exchanged numbers, went on a few dates, a few outings and next thing I know BOOM, we were a couple (Yep a whole couple, just as quick as that sentence was typed up). IT WAS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER. Going into the relationship, it all appeared to be everything I wanted, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that he was covering and then watering my own insecurities that I was not ready to face myself. My biggest fear about being single back then was that no one else would want me because I had a child. I was also insecure about the way I looked and about being alone (even though I had my daughter, I felt alone sometimes), until I met him. He made me feel wanted and didn’t care one bit that I had a child. Our relationship was far from fairytale though. It began with the cheating (warning sign # 1). . A few months into our relationship, I was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night from his number.  Naturally, I jumped up, cleared my throat, and pretended I wasn’t sleep only to answer the phone and be greeted by the voice of another female saying, “Who is this?” My initial thought as I rolled my eyes and shook my head was, OH NO here we go with this shit…AGAIN (referencing the past cheating relationship I had been in with the father of my child). This woman, who locked herself in her own bathroom to call me, goes on to say that Wrong was over her house (I’m assuming he was playing possum), and he told her that I was his “cousin” and the more she talked the more hurt, angry and upset I became. So I did what I thought any girl would do and I told her to tell him that he needs to bring his “COUSIN” back her car and find someone to pick him up from OUTSIDE his “COUSIN’S” house (YES he had my car that night and told me he was going out with the boys, I was so naïve). She laughed because at that point she had won, I had nothing, and I was so embarrassed. He brought me the car back, pleaded with me and of course I broke up with him…but it wasn’t for long. A couple days later he showed up at my job with this huge balloon that read “I’m sorry Aja” attached by a huge bear holding a card and after a couple days…..WHO AM I FOOLING, that night, I gave in. That was one scenario of many more nights that were to come that I stayed through the cheating. I was determined to be his RIDE or DIE chick. With our routine cycle of breaking up and getting back together things seemed to progressively get worse overtime. Not only was he cheating, but he also started becoming really possessive of me (warning sign #2). He didn’t want me to go out without him, he would go through my phone, and I wasn’t allowed to have any other guy friends (warning signs # I don’t know but I do know the warning ALARM was going off at this point and I ignored it). He eventually started choking me and verbally abusing me. The day came when all the warning signs that I saw, ignored, and RODE through became nightmares that I was afraid to escape from. I became numb and life for me was just routine. So I guess you can say that I was the RIDE or DIE because the more I rode through the more I felt like I was dying inside.  All I did was go to work, come home, and be a BASIC mom. Now when I say BASIC mom, I mean I would make sure I took care of my daughter’s physical needs only. Throughout all the unhealthy aspects of my relationship, I didn’t and couldn’t take the time to nurture her emotionally or even protect her the way a mother should UNTIL one routine morning that changed my life forever. The previous night, as I was sleeping peacefully, I was awakened by Wrong who was angry about a call I received on my cell phone from a number that I was not familiar with. He automatically assumed that I had been sneaking around and trying to cheat on him and I no longer had energy to try to explain something I knew nothing about as I had managed to so many times before, so he just FLIPPED. He began choking me, calling me names, and threatening to kill me as he usually would when he was outraged. There were many instances where I wished he would have just got it over with because I had reached a low that I didn’t know if I could ever bounce back from. Normally and surprisingly my daughter would sleep through these fights and by the time I cried myself to sleep some nights and woke up in the morning, I was strong enough to be the BASIC mom I needed to be again and get through my routine day. This particular night however, the fight lasted until it was time for me to go to work and take my daughter to school. We had been up for almost 3 hours arguing and to top things off, Wrong was not going to allow me to take my car that morning. I proceeded to wake my daughter and get her dressed trying to hold back my tears and continue the morning as if nothing was wrong. I remained as calm as I could trying not to allow the fear I was facing rub off on her while trying to figure out what he would do to me if I tried to take MY car keys. I decided not to cause any more confrontation and called my friend who lived around the corner and worked with me, to pick my daughter and I up for work and school. My daughter must have felt the energy in the room because as I was placing her jacket on she turned around, looked at me and said “Mommy I’m scared, I don’t want to go to school.”…and in that moment I snapped out of whatever trance I was in and all the fear and insecurities I felt over the years immediately VANISHED. Stay Tuned for part II and the lesson I learned that follows but I will say this; Always love yourself and if there’s something about you that you don’t love, confront it until you become comfortable with it because you can’t take care of anyone else or their needs until you take care of yourself first. DEFINE YOURSELF in a way that no one else will ever be able to tell you who you are without first gaining a bit of knowledge from you. In the next blogs I am going to try something a little different. Instead of “gentle reminder” or “remind yourself” I’m going to speak to my younger self and future self because there are lessons in every journey and for those who may not know how to start loving yourself, start with everything your afraid of or insecure about and FACE THEM HEAD ON. #courageousQueen