Love’s Not Blind, People are (Part II)

It was in that moment that I decided to do what a mother should. I had to stop worrying about myself and my fears in order to protect my daughter. I assured her that everything was ok and my friend called to let me know she was outside. I attempted once more to ask for my keys in as calm a voice that I could and he refused stating that if I left in my car by the time I got back he was going to “fuck up everything in my home.” Honestly, at that point I didn’t care if he ruined everything in my house because I knew that he couldn’t destroy any more parts of me. Even more importantly than that, I’d rather him destroy my belongings or items that I can replace then to destroy any more parts of my spirit. What he didn’t know was that he would have been doing me a favor by destroying everything in that apartment that even reminded me of him. I didn’t even want to be in that home anymore. When I got in the car, I distinctly remember yelling “I HATE HIM.” I never recall feeling hatred for someone and although I regret using those words now, in the moment I was so outraged. Outraged that someone would treat me that way, outraged that I allowed it for so long, outraged at the many times I ended the relationship and then allowed him back in my life, outraged that I had to go through that situation, and outraged that I put my daughter through it. There were so many emotions going through my head and hate was the only word that I could use to justify everything. Reality was that I didn’t hate him at all. I was heartbroken to see the result of a relationship that I truly hoped to have a better outcome. I burst into tears. My friend instructed me to calm down until we dropped off my daughter, and I managed to to do that. After dropping my daughter off, my friend, who had seen the pain I been through too many times before, drove me to the police station instead of work. I didn’t resist or try to convince her not to because I knew it was time to end this for good.  After filing the police report, the police drove me to my house where Wrong was escorted out of my apartment and my keys were returned to me.   Luckily for him, he had family come get him until he could find a way back to North Carolina. That was the last day Wrong ever lived with me and the first day I realized the decisions I make will not only have an affect on me, but also my child.

From that day forward, I have made every effort to consider my child’s safety, emotional protection, and mental well-being when I make certain decisions that may involve her. Scarred? Absolutely not! I decided to share this story because I deemed it necessary to gain clarity on the famous “LOVE IS BLIND” saying.  LOVE is NOT BLIND (in my opinion) and it doesn’t hurt. It baffles me how some people associate LOVE with the negative connotation of being “Blind.” To me, Love is very transparent and even the “Blind” know LOVE. Love doesn’t cloud our judgment, but the lack of it can. If I would have known love the way I do now, I can say that there could have been a lot of situations prevented, but I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.  I could never be bitter about my past because it has taught me so much. Most importantly it has taught me about the power of LOVE and how once you begin loving yourself, how the world around you that may seem dark and lonely suddenly SHIFTS into a beautiful scene.

Younger Self: Don’t walk with your head down; Chin up, Big smiles (don’t worry you’re gap is beautiful), & know that you’re stronger than you think you are

Future Self: Warrior; You didn’t fight so many battles to give up now. People or circumstances may try to bring you down but remember what you have survived. Keep Praying. Keep Pushing. Keep Believing and most importantly Keep Loving.

#LovingQueen