Purpose–Open Diary

It’s crazy, I keep a lot of my emotions balled inside because my mind is constantly on the GO. I’m talkative by nature and some of my closest friends will tell you that communication is one thing I have NEVER lacked but there are thousands (and I do mean hundreds of thousands), of words that never make it past my mental for people to hear. The scary part about that is, I think….NO I FEEL that those unspoken words are what I should be saying. Those words may just be what the next person may need to hear. Or should I just keep silent? You see that’s when the doubt kicks in and I realize that if I say certain things then I may come off as hmmm insensitive,  and Lord knows I’m far from that…I honestly don’t know but the feeling boiling me inside almost exploding tells me to speak…something that for so many years I was afraid to do….so many nights I find myself praying….praying that God leads me in the direction He wants me to go. Praying that I fulfill the PURPOSE God has put me on earth to do…but is this HIS vision for me?..Because I am not here to please PEOPLE (I have done ENOUGH of that for ALL of us)….If so, then what am I afraid of? I’m no healer and I still bury so much of my own pain, I can’t change people they will do what they want to, People have been through worse than me, & besides I don’t have all the answers to everyone’s problems, hell, I don’t have all the answers to my own problems…some of the excuses I come up with but for some reason the passion to SPEAK never leaves me. It’s like I want to run away from it like a child when they can’t have their way…. RUN AWAY…. you know to the porch but still remain close enough in hopes that your parents will come out and tell you to come back in…..RUN AWAY….like being offered a position that you just aren’t sure you’re qualified for but you KNOW deep inside you really are… you’ve got THE JUICE (basically, you know your sh** for those who thought I was talking about a beverage)….That’s the feeling I get and no matter how many times I sit on the porch I always feel the need to come back, but yet every time I’m “offered” the position I get a little hesitant even though I KNOW I’m qualified and have the JUICE…So here I am. Ready to face the challenges of this world,Ready to accept the position, Ready to share more of my story,&Ready to reach someone who may gravitate toward my life experiences, because it feels like home. Although I do have my doubts and my excuses I also can counter them to say NO I am not a healer, but my hope is that through some of my PAINFUL or JOYFUL experiences it can lead you to your own closure or openness, NO I can’t change a person, but I CAN uplift a person, I CAN support a person, I CAN encourage a person. YES people have been through worse than I have, but I have a story, that is NOT anyone else’s and my story may be one that someone relates to or my story may prevent an unnecessary event to occur. Finally, NO I do not know everything and I don’t have all the answers but maybe, just maybe I have the context clues someone may need to solve their own problems. Many people older, younger and in my age group, come to me and talk to me and I listen because I care. I care about people. I have been mistreated by many yes, but caring for people is one thing that I will never change. It took me some time to realize that but there is nothing more rewarding than seeing someone who was in a weak, vulnerable place overcome and conquer their own doubts, fears, pain. To be a part of their experience is humbling and sometimes I learn from others. Their victory becomes MY victory.

So I shared this to ask YOU…What is YOUR purpose? Is there something that keeps YOU up at night. A burning exploding feeling inside? What are YOU afraid of? What excuses do YOU tell yourself? How do YOU counter them? How will YOU conquer them?

We all were put on this earth to fulfill a purpose. Many times we get sidetracked by life’s events that are thrown our way but no matter what, it’s always there, the passion never leaves. Don’t give up on it. Let’s support one another or let me support you through my words. It’s so easy to be negative and to think about a negative outcome but challenge yourselves to  think positive. You can’t change your past but it doesn’t have to become your future either. I am living proof. I still have so much pain but I will overcome it and SPEAKING will be my first step.

Younger Self: Speak Up…Louder…your Voice matters

Future Self: Your best days are ahead of you. Never stop believing..

#rawQueen