The People Pleaser

We all know them, We all love them, We may even BE them (covers face). Not quite sure if you are? Well let me quiz you (this quiz is only intended for self-awareness, I am no one’s expert and I COMPLETELY made this up based off my own experiences).

1. Do you find yourself saying Yes to friends, family, or co-worker’s needs even when you want to say no (regardless of the reason)?

2. Do you put your needs on the back burner to take care of other people’s needs?

3. Do you find yourself stressed out over other people’s issues to a point where it interrupts your mood, behavior, or PEACE?

4. Do you make decisions based on what other people want to do?

5. Do you ever change your decision based off other people?

6. Are you always the first one to volunteer your services, your help?

7. Do you notice people only call you when they WANT or NEED something from you?

8. Do you ever question yourself on what you did wrong before blaming others in situations?

9. Do you notice that when you have nothing left to offer, PEOPLE disappear?

10. Do you find yourself trying to learn or like other people’s interests even if it’s not particularly something YOU like?

11. Do you find yourself feeling…ALONE?

12. Do you always check on everyone else’s well-being but feel like no one checks on yours?

If you answered yes to ANY of these questions you may be a PEOPLE PLEASER. So what does that mean?

Well to me, solely pleasing people has always come back to bite me in the ass. I pleased people not because I wanted to be liked, not because I wanted to be accepted but because I didn’t want to be mean. Now let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with helping a person, but sometimes you have to realize that you, yourself, need to be helped too, so then who do you turn to? Who can you talk to when you’re going through something or when you need something when you are always the one giving?  Are they the same one’s who always come to you, or do you now go to someone else who you know to be a PEOPLE PLEASER like yourself, and TAKE from them?

These are questions I had to ask myself and the realities of some situations I had in life. Last post I talked about purpose and doing what God has planned for me but what you read is not where I have always been. It’s not where I am now. One thing I had to learn is that someone will always have something negative to say about ANYTHING you do. Someone will always be dissatisfied with SOMETHING you are doing. Someone will always try to take from you what you are WILLING to give, even if that leaves you EMPTY. So what do you do? You SMARTEN UP! Don’t allow PEOPLE to control your life, take back control of your own life.How do you do that? You start by finding what it is that gives you peace. For me, its my alone time, praying, and writing. Those are my outlets. From there you make it a priority not to allow anything draw you away from your peace. Then once you have your safe place (place of peace), then you can help and be there for the ones you can, WHEN you can. The beauty in that, is that when you start to feel drained from other people’s issues, you can REPLENISH yourself in your “safe place.”  Understand however that you can’t always do for others because that will leave you no time to do anything for yourself. There will be no time for you to have that moment of peace. Will the TAKERS be mad, yes–yes they will sometimes; and they may even try to make you feel guilty by saying things like “You’re never there for me” or “I had something important to tell you but never mind,” or my personal favorite “I’m ok now, so forget it.” So what do you do? I don’t know about you but what I did recently was exactly what they said…Didn’t mind it, Forgot it.

I was talking to a good friend of mine who also has been a victim (yes you become a victim) of people pleasing in her past and I wanted to share with you a bit of our conversation and how she maintains her “peace.” We were out having dinner and a drink and as we discussed how people always call when they need something this is what was said:

Me: Girl, its just so draining sometimes that everyone calls me but I have my own thing going on right now and I’m stressed out enough.

Her: Honey I feel you, but you’re just going to have to start ignoring them sometimes or hit them with your problems.

Me: (laughs)…girl you’re crazy

Her: No girl I’m serious, when they get to talking about needing money or whatever you come back and hit them with “Well I understand cause I got this mortgage to pay and my light bill done went up.” and see how fast they hang up that phone.

Me: (busted out laughing)…that’s true though

Her: Yea they are adults and if its that important, they will call you back at a later time or leave you a message.

The conversation was short and at the time I didn’t realize that that was her way of ensuring that no one disturbed her peace. You ever hear of the saying “If we all threw our problems in a pile and seen everyone else’s we’d take ours back?” Well in some instances its true. Now although that is not my way of maintaining my peace, you can see that maintaining peace can be achieved in many unique ways. So find yours. If no one else has told you, you are not here to please PEOPLE and quite frankly you can’t PLEASE everyone, so stop trying to. So to my PEOPLE PLEASERS–say NO sometimes, it’s ok. Real friends, real family, loyal co-workers will still be there and they may even respect you a little more for it OR they’ll stop asking you for stuff all the time and guess what…They’ll find a way!  To my TAKERS–Stop bringing others down with you. Take a moment to ask someone else if they need anything. You may not have it all but you may have something to offer. Also, get out your feelings, sometimes you need to Man/Woman up and start doing what you can within your control and sometimes that may require some EFFORT. It may be an uncomfortable ride, but take it anyway, if you’re already down you can only go one way… UP.

younger self: Girl, if you don’t say NO! You don’t even want to do that!

Future self: Maintain your peace… ALWAYS. I see more battles coming your way. Be prepared.

#ex-peoplepleasingQUEEN